We are having another baby!
Just as with my two previous pregnancies I am at a loss of words to describe what this means to me. As I write this, the feeling of gratitude takes over and it is with a grateful heart that I share this news with you!
I will never forget where I was when I found out the news. It was in a tiny hair salon located in the mountainous outskirts of Mexico City. I was alone when I instinctively knew — as I was getting my hair done for my sister’s wedding that night, that I had to take a pregnancy test. A few days prior I had been feeling unusually tired and attributed this to our trip and the adventures when travelling with little ones. But my conviction was strong. I had to know.
As I stood outside the salon scanning the rustic landscape for a nearby pharmacy, I couldn’t help but feel an exhilarating rush of adrenaline sweeping through my body. I must be crazy if I think I’m going to find a pregnancy test out here, I thought. And then just casually sitting there, low and behold, I was staring right at it. A pharmacy. Destiny would have me buy the last two pregnancy tests available. Another sign from the Universe.
I rushed back to the salon where I asked to use the washroom. As I shut the door behind me I knew — my life was about to change yet again. In that moment of intense excitement and anticipation, my heart stopped. I would become a mom to 3 little beings. How were we so blessed to deserve another child?
As I sat on the front steps of a nearby canteen waiting for my ride back to the hotel, I experienced a sense of stillness and clarity. I was still soaking in the news, imagining what life would be like as a family of five. Z and I had always talked about having a big family so our new addition was well anticipated. This baby was a dream come true for us. But after a few minutes of imagining the intangible future ahead I sensed my anxiety creeping in.
The more my thoughts pulled me into the future, the more questions I had. Questions that I simply couldn’t answer. Like- Where will I get the energy and patience to take care of a newborn AND two toddlers? How will I raise 3 children in a country where help is not as accessible as back home? Where will the baby sleep in our two-bedroom condo? How were we so unprepared?
It’s quite remarkable what our mind is able to do when we invite anxiety to take a seat. After entertaining those emotionally charged thoughts in my consciousness they eventually dissipated. It will be alright, I thought. Those voices stemmed from fear, an understandable fear that I chose to acknowledge and accept. You’ve got this —I let go and I fell back into the comfortable state of clarity I had been derailed from by my thoughts.
At that moment I promised myself to confront life the same way. No matter how crazy it gets I will look inward, turn the spotlight on my thoughts and invite them all to the table. I will feel them. All of them. In their varying degrees of intensity I will acknowledge them for what they are, simply thoughts. And I will let them follow their course. This is the way I want to live. Conscious and free to fine tune my thoughts and judgements. I believe this is how we allow ourselves to be the very best version of ourselves. And this is the kind of parent every child born into this world deserves.
January 2018 can’t come soon enough – and we are over the moon!